We Get To Feel It All

It used to be hot outside. I felt the warmth of the sunlight in my hair and on my back and under my skin. It seeped into my entire being and I liked it too much to ask it to leave. Back then, the only person I wanted to talk to was him, and he was the only thing I wanted to talk to other people about. Back then, the temperature outside matched what I felt inside. 

When the leaves changed color, so did I. 

The heat inside me gradually dissipated into a thin mist of unwanted apathy overshadowed by a foggy desire to feel anything else. I still cared from a distance, but that distance grew wider and I grew silent, hoping my unspoken words would be understood.

But nobody listened to my silence, and I learned to hold my tongue.

Alone with my thoughts, I avoided thinking in favor of feeling. It didn't matter why it all happened, only that it did, and that now, although he is gone, he is everywhere. Even the eerie light surrounding the drinking fountain in a dark hallway reminds me of him.

No matter how dark the hallway is, he's still gone.

What was once green and gold and airy summer turned into blue, silver, icy winter. Now all I feel is the cold wind that pierces every part of me, and there's nobody to hold my hand and warm me from the inside out. When the sun goes down it gets colder outside, and the more that happens, the further I am from everything around me. The way I feel still matches the weather.

And I am nowhere close to fine. 

Free In You

I wonder what I'd do without you. We're not a fan of cliches, but you keep my head above water when I'm drowning, and you pull me back into the boat when I don't have the strength to do it myself. Neither of us want to be in this boat, but at least we're not alone in it.

It's never been hard to love you and trust you, and I think that's the way it should be. Just like breathing, I know that how you feel about me isn't going to change any time soon.

I don't worry around you or about you or with you. From passing notes to skipping church to late night vent sessions, you always see the best in me and it helps me see the best in myself.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Lay My Head Down

Every night I lie in the dark, alone and cold. Wishing you were here with me, holding me close, breathing against me, whispering in my ear. Your fingers would gently burn circles in my skin, comforting me, lulling me to sleep.

I think it would be like falling slowly. Slowly asleep, slowly in love, it doesn't matter anyway because we know the truth. Nothing lasts forever. Even though I wished it would.

Drifting in the circle of your arms, the safety of your embrace, I hold onto every moment, preserving it in my memory.

But every dream ends, and I wake to realize it was just that. And it will never come true.