Fly Away

Remembering is hard, and I have a fixation with it. With remembering you. With feeling pain. With being alone. 

As I reflect, I realize the strangest things used to be able to take that pain away in the past. And those same things are what cause me the most pain in the present. 

It was the little things you did back then that make my heart hurt now. The way your voice sounded when you were tired. Your animation when you talked about the music you love. How you'd get lost in thought and the way you smiled unexpectedly when reality found you again.

It was the little things you said that I think about when I fall asleep. The way your breathing deepened as you fell asleep. The way you said certain words. The way it didn't matter what time of day it was.  And especially the way we'd look at each other and I'd feel a connection that required no words. I remember that all too well. 

It was 2:23 am. It was the comfortable silences. The lights of the valley below us. The pause before you left the room. It was the fact that you were completely unexpected. 

But now you're gone, and I miss you. I'm not particularly pretty or outgoing, but the greatest feeling was knowing it didn't matter with you. When we meet again I hope it still won't. 

It's the memories we made that brought me happiness. It's the explanation for not knowing what to do with myself anymore. It's why I keep questioning my value to people other than God. Now it's the memories we made that bring me pain. It's the fact that late at night they attack, leave me bruised and battered at the bottom of the stairs. 

Being alone with my thoughts is proving to be destructive to my well-being. The memories just hurt too much. 

I'd just like to leave for a little while. Kind of like you did. But I know that no matter where I go, I still won't be able to escape from the memories.